I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
