The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
