Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
