I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
