dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
