You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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