i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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