I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
