I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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