Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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