Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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