I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
