someone get that fucking seahorse.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
