i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Randomize
