the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
you are never too drunk for berry picking
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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