If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
