I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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