Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
