OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
