Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
