and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
