He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
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