I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
