He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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