I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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