My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
