Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We had sex on a dog bed..
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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