see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
