Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Everyone says I win the strip club
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
