dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
