I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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