My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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