Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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