there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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