Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
