You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
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