i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
