If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
