Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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