would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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