Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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