What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Randomize
