my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
