I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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