When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
