That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
