He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
