They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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