I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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