Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
